


That Child of Yours

by Quadrantje



Series: That Child of Yours [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode 2x11 Maneuvers, Episode Related, F/M, Gen, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2020-12-24 03:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21092843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quadrantje/pseuds/Quadrantje
Summary: Seska's plan in Maneuvers doesn't turn out quite the way she planned it. However, someone does end up pregnant.





	1. Introduction

Seska searched the room with hasty steps. Her forehead ridges creased as she fought down her irritation. Chakotay might not want to give her Voyager’s command codes now, but he had given her something else. If only she could find the right equipment to use it! She continued pacing the Kazon’s lousy excuse for a sickbay impatiently. How could it be, she said to herself contemptuously, that they could have the equipment she needed to restore her original Cardassian features, but lack the technology she needed to impregnate herself? She shot a quick look at the device that still held Chakotay’s DNA sample. He would not get away so easily! She needed him to listen to her again, to respect her. Or, if that didn’t work, something to manipulate him with. And what better way than to have his child? She knew how he yearned for children. Once she had his child, his own son or daughter, she could make him do whatever she wanted. And who knew, she thought with an ambitious grin, she might be able to rekindle that old fire…

But first she needed a damn tool! She growled darkly as she cleaned out the contents of the last cabinet with a fell swoop in frustration. Nothing! Seska felt her anger coursing through her veins. What had she expected? These Kazon were stupid, mere muscle boys, she’d had to teach them everything! Unsophisticated barbarians! They obviously didn’t care much for medical knowledge, aside from the crude rudimentary information needed to heal a battle wound! Their medical care was a clear reflection of their pitifully low estimation of women.

Her angry mental rant faded abruptly as Seska’s engineering eye spotted an alien hypospray that would get the job done, with a little tinkering. She hastily set to work. It only took a few minutes to reassemble the apparatus. Then, hands shaking in triumph, she pointed the modified hypo at her own flesh, ready to make herself the mother of Chakotay’s unborn child.


	2. Chapter 2

But she had no time to press the plunger, because the sound of weapons fire erupted on the other side of the bulkhead, from the room where Chakotay was being held. Abandoning her mission, for now, Seska tucked the hypospray safely away in her vest. It wouldn’t do to leave it lying around and have some dim-witted Kazon accidentally stumble upon it and mistake it for a normal hypospray. Reaching for her phaser, she rushed to the door on the other side of the room. By using the room furthest from the interrogation room, she hoped that whoever had come to Chakotay’s aid was too far away to hear the hiss of the sickbay door as it opened. As silently as a shadow, she crept down the hallway, pausing just before she reached the corner. Phaser at the ready, she carefully glanced around it. Ensigns Lang and Murphy were on guard, both carrying phasers. But Seska’s reactions were faster. Before he could cry out or shoot, she shot Ensign Murphy in the chest. In the same breath, she hit Lang, who was facing the other way. Both dropped to the floor. The noise of their fall ruined any chance of a stealth approach, so Seska dropped every care for sound in lieu of speed and stormed through the open doors. Inside, Janeway herself was untying the bonds around Chakotay’s feet as Tuvok stood guard behind them. She aimed her phaser at Tuvok, but he shot it out of her hand before she could fire. It clattered uselessly to the floor. Without a moment of hesitation, she took the only weapon she had left, the hypospray with Chakotay’s DNA, and held it to Janeway’s throat. With the threat of the hypospray, she forced Janeway to stand in front of her as a living shield.

‘Drop it, or I inject her!’ She shouted to Tuvok and Chakotay. Janeway had managed to undo the restraints around Chakotay’s feet and he slowly rose from the chair to which he had been bound.

‘Seska,’ he said in a calm, reassuring voice designed to defuse the situation, holding up his hands in supplication. But she never knew what ploy he would have used to charm her, because at that moment Janeway shouted ‘Now, Lieutenant!’ into the open comm. link. The three Voyagers faded away in a haze of blue as the transport beam took them. But in the split second before they vanished completely, Seska’s hand contracted around the hypospray and she accidentally carried out her threat, depressing the plunger against Janeway’s throat. The last thing she saw was the horror on Chakotay’s face as he saw what she was doing, and she knew he was imagining all kinds of poison. The thought gave her a small hint of satisfaction, even though with one instinctual move she’d just destroyed her own plan. Instead of impregnating herself, she’d impregnated Janeway. But, she tried to cheer herself, a tight-laced Starfleet officer like Janeway probably wouldn’t allow herself to be captain and pregnant at the same time. Certainly not by one of her own subordinates and a former Maquis at that! If they ever made it back to the Alpha Quadrant, that would destroy her career. She’d probably terminate the pregnancy the moment she learned of it and that wouldn’t win her any points with Chakotay. With luck, he’d never forgive her and the bitterness between the command team would destroy Voyager. Not quite what she’d originally planned, and she admitted to herself that it was a long shot, but if it worked she wasn’t one to complain. And at least the thought distracted her from her failure.

Looking around the damaged room, Seska decided it was time to inform Cullah that his prisoner had escaped. Before he heard it from someone else and decided to blame her. Best keep her little mishap to herself though, until she knew how it unfolded.

* * *

All five members of the away team materialized on the bridge, along with the phaser Seska had taken off Chakotay. The weapon appeared soundlessly on the deck behind Tom.

‘Computer, transport Ensigns Lang and Murphy to sickbay, along with the Captain.’ Chakotay ordered as soon as they were back, as he walked to his command chair.

‘Belay that order!’ The Captain immediately countered. ‘Only transport Ensigns Murphy and Lang.’ Chakotay started to protest, but she cut him off with a sharp look and called out ‘Report!’ as she sank into her chair.

‘All personnel and equipment safely back aboard,’ Harry reported from Ops. ‘We are moving away from the Kazon ships at maximum warp.’

‘Chakotay’s shuttle?’

‘In shuttlebay two.’ So all the Federation equipment the Kazon had managed to get their hands on had been returned.

‘Anyone in pursuit?’

‘No, Captain.’

‘Good.’ Kathryn allowed herself to relax slightly into her chair for a second before she got up. Now that she was convinced all was well for the moment and they could do without her attention, she was willing to follow Chakotay directive and look after her health. ‘Commander Tuvok, you have the bridge. Commander Chakotay, you’re with me. We’ll be in sickbay.’

A chorus of ‘aye’s and ‘yes, captain’ followed them into the turbolift.

* * *

The doors opened to a rather sedate sickbay. Ensigns Lang and Murphy were both sitting on a biobed, looking slightly bewildered but no worse for wear. The captain immediately strode over to Murphy, who was closest to the doors, to grace him with a smile, a kind word and a pat on the back. Chakotay made his way over to the Doctor, who was running a last scan over Ensign Lang. When he saw the state of Chakotay’s face, the Doctor huffed.

‘Commander, why didn’t you report to sickbay immediately! That cut requires medical attention.’

Chakotay waved the Doctor’s scanner away. ‘You should check on the Captain first, Seska injected her with an unknown substance.’ The Doctor tutted disapprovingly, but obediently changed course to head for the Captain, muttering somewhat perfunctory about stubborn patients.

The Captain turned around at their approach. ‘Doctor, are Ensigns Murphy and Lang all right?’

‘They’re fine,’ the Doctor answered, looking at the screen of the medical tricorder as he ran the scanner over her upper body. ‘Luckily they were merely stunned and suffered no injuries from the fall. I see no reason why they should not go back to their duties.’ The two Ensigns took the hint and vacated the beds. With a respectful nod to their command team and the Doctor they left sickbay. ‘Well,’ the Doctor said in a decisive tone as he snapped the medical tricorder closed, ‘you don’t seem to be injected with any known poison or illness. I’ll run some further tests to make sure, but it was probably nothing.’

Chakotay frowned at this easy dismissal. ‘It’s unlike Seska to use an empty threat. There must be more to it than that.’

The Doctor hummed disapprovingly at his dissent. ‘I’m sure your extensive knowledge of Ensign Seska makes you better qualified in this situation than a professional doctor with the medical knowledge of over a hundred cultures,’ he replied haughtily. ‘For now, though, in my professional opinion, Captain, you are cleared for duty. Now, if you wouldn’t mind, Commander, please sit down so I can treat your wounds.’

Captain Janeway shot Chakotay a slightly mocking look as he did as he was told with some chagrin. Then she quickly got out of sickbay before the Doctor changed his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is finished. I'll try to post a chapter every day, but you can also check out my fanfiction.net account for the whole fic.


	3. Chapter 3

‘Emergency Medical Hologram to Captain Janeway,’ sounded through the Captain’s quarters early in the morning two days later. The sound pulled Kathryn from her sleep. It took a moment for her to get her bearings. The few seconds delay was apparently too long for the Doctor. ‘Emergency Medical Hologram to Captain Janeway, please respond,’ he prodded more urgently. Through bleary eyes, Kathryn hastily located the comm. badge which was on her bedside table. With a tired groan, she partially got up to reach for it. ‘Captain Janeway here. What can I do for you Doctor?’ Her voice was gravelled and sleep-laden.

‘Please report to sickbay immediately, Captain! I have further analysed your scans and have discovered a disturbing anomaly.’ That certainly got the Captain to sit up straight.

‘On my way!’ The comm. link closed and she took a few moments to rub her hands over her face to try and wake up. ‘Computer, time.’

‘The time is o-three-eleven,’ the computer responded. She closed her eyes briefly in exasperation. No wonder that it felt like she hadn’t slept at all.

* * *

Ten minutes later, a tired but immaculate-looking Captain entered sickbay, a mug of coffee clutched in her hand like a shield against the early morning.

‘Doctor, report,’ she called out. The Doctor was buzzing around her before she’d even finished her words, making her wonder if he’d had the computer alert him to her approach. He was taking new scans. It took all the limited patience she had to let him work. Luckily, he only needed a few seconds before he closed the scanner with an affirmative hum and a frown.

‘As I thought..’ he muttered. Then he looked up and finally acknowledged Janeway’s presence. ‘Captain, would I be right to assume that you and Commander Chakotay have never indulged in physical intimacy together?’

That was too much for Kathryn’s strained patience. ‘Doctor!’ she barked, shooting him a tired but no less effective death glare. ‘What the hell are you getting at?’

The Doctor, looking chastened, hastily took a step back, clumsily covering up the movement by putting down his scanner. ‘I apologise, Captain. That was indelicate of me.’ Janeway’s raised eyebrow showed that she agreed with the sentiment but might have a stronger word in mind than _indelicate_. ‘I went over your earlier scans and detected an anomaly, which this scan has just confirmed.’

‘So you said over the comm,’ she established, trying and failing to keep the irritation out of her voice. The _get to the point_ was loud and clear for anyone to hear, except apparently for the Doctor.

‘Precisely,’ he continued conversationally. ‘It appears that Commander Chakotay was correct in his assessment of Ensign Seska, the hypospray was not empty after all. However, the reason I didn’t notice its contents earlier is that it was no poison or infection. It was in fact so unusual that I originally overlooked –’

‘Get to the point, Doctor!’ she cut him off mid-sentence, before he could launch into an extended monologue on his thought process.

His attempt at a subtle approach stymied, the Doctor went for a more direct method. ‘You appear to be pregnant, Captain.’

That was too much information for Kathryn’s brain to process at three thirty in the morning. ‘Excuse me?’ she snarled shocked.

‘The DNA profile I managed to extract from the embryo indicated that the father is Commander Chakotay.’ The Doctor added helpfully, completely oblivious to the fact that Kathryn was having difficulty processing his first piece of news.

‘Embryo?’ she repeated. Her voice instead of her earlier stern tone was now closer to a whisper.

Her short responses finally tipped the Doctor off that his patient might not be handling this too well. ‘Captain, are you all right?’

Kathryn took a deep breath to try and get her equilibrium back, grasping the side of the nearest bio bed for strength. ‘You’re saying,’ she started slowly, ‘that I’m pregnant?’

‘Yes Captain,’ the Doctor responded, ‘The material Seska injected you with was some kind of bio-genetic-’ Kathryn held up her hand to stem his explanation.

‘With a child that carries Commander Chakotay’s DNA?’ she repeated equally slowly.

The Doctor nodded, ‘and your own.’ Having gotten to the heart of the matter, Kathryn buried her head in her hand and sighed deeply. The Doctor, finding no guidance for this particular situation in his limited programmed social skills, waited awkwardly. Finally, Kathryn’s moment of self-indulgence passed and she stood up straight, staring the Doctor resolutely in the face. ‘Thank you, Doctor,’ she said, in the no-nonsense tone of the Captain. ‘I expect you to keep this to yourself, for the moment.’ She didn’t wait for acknowledgement, but merely nodded at him in dismissal and took her leave. The Doctor watched as the doors closed behind her, feeling oddly inadequate. He had the unsettling feeling that he should have said or done something more, but he had no idea what. After a moment of self-doubt he shrugged it off and went back to his work. He was a doctor, after all, not a… whatever she needed.

* * *

Many hours later, Kathryn found herself in front of Chakotay’s quarters. She’d spent the time before her duty shift staring at the wall of her quarters, trying to process the Doctor’s startling discovery. A cup of slowly cooling coffee was her only companion. When the alarm sounded her usual wake-up call, she’d recycled the cold liquid and left her quarters for the mess hall. There she’d spoken with Neelix and eaten whatever substance he’d been passing off as breakfast today, but she couldn’t recall any details of either the conversation or the meal. Her focus came back when it was time to report to duty, but the shift was uneventful and didn’t require her full attention, so she found herself drifting off and staring at the stars from the viewport in her Ready Room more than once. When her shift ended, she’d taken the turbolift to her quarters but had somehow ended up pacing the ship. Until she found herself here, staring at his door.

All day she’d been distracted and unfocussed, but still staying away from the thought that absorbed her so. She wasn’t aware of any conscious thought or decision, just a sort of trance. Her mind protecting itself from a realisation too shocking to deal with yet. Until now. The numbness was starting to recede as the details of her situation came into focus. She was pregnant. But she couldn’t be. She hadn’t chosen it, hadn’t even participated in the process or the decision. And she was Captain, with a hundred and forty lives depending on her every day. Now, when it was already too late, she had a decision to make. Deep down, she’d already made it. But could she carry it through? Her thoughts whirling and more vulnerable than ever, she pushed the chime and watched as the doors opened to allow her entry to Chakotay’s quarters.


	4. Chapter 4

‘Captain!’ Chakotay said, a bit surprised at her presence but not unwelcoming. ‘Please come in.’ Kathryn hesitantly stepped into his quarters. She’d never been here before, like this, on a sort of social visit. He’d been to her quarters once or twice, but never the other way around. She took a few moments to look around, out of curiosity as well as to avoid the inevitable. There were few personal touches, a blanket with a tribal print over the couch, an artefact that her fingers itched to investigate on a table, but just those little things made the room less sterile.

‘I like what you’ve done with the place,’ she said sincerely when she turned back to Chakotay. He smiled in thanks and motioned her towards the couch.

‘Please, sit down. Can I get you something to drink?’ he asked politely.

‘Yes,’ she responded, after a moment’s pause, as she slowly made her way over to the sofa, ‘tea please.’

If he was surprised by her choice of beverage, Chakotay didn’t show it. He merely ordered two tea’s, one herbal for himself and a Vulcan spice tea for her. Instead of putting the drinks down on the coffee table in front of them, however, he handed her the mug directly. She clutched it like a lifeline, just like she did with her coffee. Chakotay carefully hid his amusement at the familiar gesture behind a small sip of his own tea. As he took in her posture, though, he became worried, as he noticed the small clues that showed her tension. The pressure in her hands, the way she avoided his eyes. How she kept shifting her position on the couch, seemingly unable to get comfortable. The tea seemed to help slightly. It might not be coffee, but it was warm and soothing in her hands. Slowly, she settled down enough to look him in the eye and the naked vulnerability and fear he saw in her eyes unsettled him. Over the past year he’d grown to admire her courage and determination. He wondered what could have affected her so deeply. Glancing away for only the briefest of moments to put his tea down, he shifted slightly closer to her on the couch, watching her intently. ‘What’s on your mind, Captain?’ A slight shift closer to the edge of the couch and her furtive glance away revealed her need to pace - or escape he wasn’t sure - but she stayed seated and eventually glanced back at him.

‘I’m pregnant,’ she confessed, in the lowest of whispers. Her hands trembled slightly and she put her tea down too, afraid of spilling it. She used the moment’s respite this gave her from his intense gaze to recollect some of the composure she’d shed when she’d sought him out. When she looked back at him, some of the vulnerability was still there, but it was carefully cloaked behind her usual self-possession and steel determination. ‘When we came back from the Kazon ship, I was pregnant. The Doctor thinks it was caused by whatever Seska injected me with. I’m sure he can give you a more detailed account, but that’s the gist of it.’

Her clear no-nonsense tone didn’t fool Chakotay for a moment. He wanted to take her hands or offer some other touch of comfort, but though she often gave out casual gestures of support, he did not think she would accept one now. Instead, he leaned into her slightly and kept his voice low and calm.

‘Do you want children?’ he asked. Chakotay’s question startled away some of her new-found composure. Until now she’d only looked at her pregnancy as something physical, like an illness that would hinder her work. She hadn’t dared think of it as a child.

‘I’m not sure. Perhaps, someday.’ Kathryn hesitated slightly before confessing, ‘I was always too busy with my career to consider it seriously.’ A breath of reflection dismissed her feelings, and Chakotay was saddened to see duty slam back into her thoughts, removing herself, her own desires from the equation. ‘But it’s not about what I want. I can’t do this. I have a crew and a ship to take care of! I can’t endure all the trouble of a pregnancy, much less… Much less raise a child. And the Delta Quadrant is not much of a playground.’ Chakotay silently agreed with everything she said, but at the same time worried what it would do to her personally. How many of her emotions could she bury for the good of her crew before they started to haunt her? But then Kathryn completely derailed his concerned thoughts by veering into different territory. ‘But this isn’t just my decision,’ she said, using this as yet another way to distance herself from her own feelings, ‘the Doctor says that the genetic material Seska injected me with carries your DNA. You’re its father.’

Her words served as a good deflection. Not only did it interrupt Chakotay’s thoughts, the emotions flying across his face also distracted Kathryn from her own deliberations. Astonishment was quickly followed by a blinding hot anger. She only caught a glimpse of it before he closed his eyes and cut her off from his thoughts. His breathing was still steady, but the effort it took him was obvious as the implications of her words, and Seska’s actions, ran through his head. When at last he opened his eyes again, Kathryn was surprised to find none of those thoughts. She saw strength and determination, and this time he did take her hand in his, but there was no anger or bitterness.

‘Captain, I understand your objections and I can’t disagree with any of them. But, if you do decide to go through with this, I will do whatever I can to help you. You are not alone.’

His words struck a powerful cord and Kathryn was horrified to feel tears welling up. ‘I..’ she said, her voice raspy. She paused to swallow the liquid away and tried again. ‘Thank you.’ She allowed a few moments to let her gratitude show before turning all business again. ‘But I just don’t see how I could do this. The crew has to come first.’

Chakotay nodded gravely, unable to argue with her assessment ‘I know. Just make sure that this is a choice you can live with.’ Kathryn nodded resolutely to acknowledge the wisdom of his words and then moved away. Chakotay gave her hand a last squeeze before he let her go and don the Captain’s persona again.

‘Thank you for your advice, Commander.’ She said briskly, and left, leaving her half-finished tea and a pensive Chakotay behind.


	5. Chapter 5

The next few days were tense but not strained. The Captain didn’t bring the subject up again. Chakotay suspected that she was avoiding the subject completely, even to herself. He decided to give her some space and didn’t press the issue. The crew could feel that something was going on, the Captain was acting more aloof than usual and was spending only a small portion of her duty shift on the bridge or in her ready room. Instead she paced the ship or disappeared for hours on end. But they had no way to know what was causing her strange behaviour, which led to a few bewildered looks, especially among the bridge crew. When it’d been a week without any sign of improvement, Chakotay decided that it was time for him to act.

He tracked her down in the Hydroponics bay, during one of her vanishing acts. When he entered she was absent-mindedly stroking the furry leafs of one of the plants, staring, probably unseeingly, at the plant life around her. The hiss of the door when it closed again went by unnoticed and it wasn’t until Chakotay put his hand gently on her shoulder that she awakened. She swiftly turned around, startled, but relaxed when she saw who it was. ‘Oh, Commander, you startled me.’

Chakotay smiled and teased her good-naturedly. ‘I wasn’t aware anything could scare you. I sometimes think that you have nerves of steel.’ His gentle joke earned him a mock glare, though a small hint of a twinkle in her eye suggested that she secretly liked the compliment. Then he became more serious. ‘I wanted to know how you are doing, after last week.’ Kathryn’s face fell and she turned away from him again.

‘I can’t make up my mind,’ she confessed to him. ‘I know that I can’t keep this child. My responsibilities as captain make it impossible. But I don’t think I can kill it either.’ The conflict was clearly visible in the tension of her shoulders as she went on, her distress expressed in the powerful gestures of her hands. ‘It’s helpless, innocent. As a Starfleet officer, it’s my duty to protect the innocent. And this isn’t just any creature, it’s _my child_. It has my genes, perhaps even my mother’s nose or my father’s build.’ She hesitated slightly before finishing her monologue. ‘Or your eyes.’ As she said it, she glanced back at Chakotay and he saw the deep uncertainty in her eyes. ‘How could I kill an innocent child, especially my own?’ In the most intimate gesture they’d yet shared, Chakotay laid both his hands on her shoulders, gripping them reassuringly, and made no effort to hide his own pain from her. ‘What am I going to do, Chakotay?’ she asked him in an anguished whisper, for the first time using his name without _commander _or _mister_ in front of it.

‘_We_, Kathryn,’ Chakotay answered, hesitating only slightly on her first name, which up until now he’d only heard her say. ‘You’re not alone in this.’ Kathryn smiled gratefully through the sheen of tears in her eyes, before turning away from him, feeling the support of his presence as she stared off into the distance, lost in insoluble worries.

* * *

They stood like that for a long while, connected, but both lost in their own thoughts. Kathryn was the one who broke the comfortable silence, turning back to face him. ‘What would you do?’ she asked him, her voice and eyes once again clear. At his questioning gaze she elaborated. ‘What would you do if it was someone else carrying your child, someone who could? Who doesn’t have my responsibilities?’

She watched as he turned the question over in his head, his gaze turning darker under her eyes. Finally he responded, his voice tortured. ‘I’d welcome the child and do my best to be a good father. I’d put their needs above all else. Even the ship.’ Kathryn nodded in understanding. From what she’d see of Chakotay, not only as an officer but a man too, she’d expected this answer. All of it. ‘What about you?’ he countered, his voice soft. He knew that he was skirting dangerously close to the line, beyond which this was no longer hypothetical and their whole world changed. ‘What would you do if you weren’t the captain?'

She didn’t even hesitate or waver to answer his question. ‘I’d keep it. I’d keep this child.’ Silence followed this statement as they both acknowledged the enormity of what had just passed. They couldn’t go back, not after this. They had to find a solution that wouldn’t require them to kill the child between them. Doing otherwise would crush them both. But how?

* * *

‘What if we could find a surrogate? Someone else to carry the baby to term?’ Chakotay suggested.

‘And then what?’ Kathryn demanded forcelessly, ‘let them raise our child too? You said it yourself, you’d put your child’s needs before everything, even this ship. How could you do otherwise? I would do the same. But as the command team we can’t. Voyager has to come first.’

‘I could step down,’ Chakotay offered. The flash that ran through her at the thought, somewhere behind icy shock and wisps of pain, surprised Kathryn. They’d only worked together, even known each other, for a little over a year. Still, the prospect of captaining Voyager without him made her realise that she’d come to depend on his presence. His quiet strength, calm demeanour and humour. Her opposite in many ways, they made a good team. The thought of guiding Voyager home without him at her side was more terrifying than she cared to admit. But, she asked herself, was it worse than having to kill her child? The answer was simple. No, that pain was unparalleled. But she struggled to remain realistic.

‘I’m not sure I could,’ she whispered. ‘Watching you raise it, knowing it’s my child but unable to be its mother. I’m not sure I could bear it. And I’m not sure it would change anything. I’d still feel responsible for the child, and protective. Not acting on those feelings wouldn’t make them go away. I’d have all the negative consequences of having a child without the positive ones to keep them balanced.’ Chakotay could feel her shoulders tense up beneath his hands as she considered the possibility. Suddenly she shook off his hands. Chakotay thought for a moment that she was trying to get rid of him, to hide again, until she turned around to face him, her eyes wide and excited. Chakotay couldn’t stop his own heart from beating faster. He’d seen this expression on her innumerable times, just before she explained a wild, brilliant idea that would save the day.


	6. Chapter 6

‘We could try to reconfigure one of the stasis units, to make it suitable for an embryo in long-term storage. Then the child would be safe until we get home! When we’re free to care for it.’ Kathryn’s eyes sparkled at the thought of a solution. Chakotay, however, needed more convincing. His first thought was that he might not be as free as she envisioned, he could already see the four walls of a prison cell crowding around him. But he decided not to mention that, focussing on the plan itself first.

‘Would that work?’ he queried. ‘Our stasis units were designed for adults, not children, least of all an embryo. Could it survive the process? It might need to stay in stasis for years. That’s rough on an adult body, let alone a child. And then there’s the power supply? It would need constant power to survive, wouldn’t it? Can we guarantee a consistent power supply, available at all times, no matter what happens to the rest of the ship? What happens if there is a power shortage? A sudden power outage?’

‘I’m not sure,’ Kathryn said, unhindered by his second guessing, ‘But between B’Elanna, the Doctor and myself, we should be able to think of something!’ Chakotay took a deep breath and decided to stop playing devil’s advocate. It was time to give in to the possibility and let her enthusiasm infect him. His face slowly lit up in a delighted grin as he dared to believe it might be possible.

‘Then what are we waiting for?’ he asked her, a teasing lilt to his voice. Kathryn echoed his smile, and for a moment they stood there, feeling connected, in a new way, more personal than before. Then she turned around and strode purposefully out of the Hydroponics Bay, Chakotay close on her heels.

* * *

They went directly to the Doctor to explain their idea, summoning B’Elanna to sickbay on their way over. Chakotay could hardly keep up with the Captain, even his longer legs were no match for her determined stride. At the same time, he found himself unable to keep a straight face, a big grin kept threatening to emerge. When he glanced at Kathryn he noticed that she was no better, her eyes sparkling, alive with the possibility, as they so often were at the prospect of a scientific brainteaser. Just when they reached sickbay, before the doors could open before them, she shot him a quick look, loaded with joy and a hint of collusion. It broke his control and he could feel a wide grin flit over his features. He managed to get his facial muscles under control again while the Captain activated the Doctor. When she explained their plan, the Doctor reacted with hesitancy, listing all the reasons Chakotay had mentioned and more. The stasis pods aboard Voyager were not designed for children, nor for what could amount to months or years of storage. B’Elanna, who’d arrived shortly after them, stayed silent, listening carefully, a strange expression on her face. But as first Kathryn and then B’Elanna started brainstorming and countering the Doctor’s objections with possible solutions, he too became intellectually interested, contributing his own ingenious solutions as their plans slowly took shape. Within twenty minutes, the three of them were arguing enthusiastically, weighing the effectiveness of possible solutions. Chakotay, seeing them all fully engaged in their calculations, acknowledged his own lack of knowledge on the subject. He tried to excuse himself politely, but no one paid him much attention. The Captain waved him off perfunctorily, too caught up in the problem to really notice his presence or absence, so he shrugged and left them to it.

* * *

As he made the short trek back to his quarters, he felt hopeful. For the first time since the situation had presented itself a week earlier, he could see a way out. The route from sickbay to his quarters seemed to take no time at all. As the door to his quarters closed behind him, he went to his bedroom and took out his medicine bundle. More than once in the past few days he had taken it out and settled himself in an easy position before his coffee table, intent to go on a vision quest. Each of those times he’d ended up just staring at the akoonah. Fear had stopped him from going on a vision quest, fear that if he explored his feelings, he would find more than he was able to deal with. He hadn’t wanted to look to carefully into his own wishes for this child, whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not, in case the choice was made for him. But, as they’d both realised during their conversation in the hydroponics bay, both he and the Captain – Kathryn – had already made their decision. Whether they wanted to admit it or not, their feelings already played a part. Thankfully, the Captain’s feelings seemed to mirror his own. Like him, she couldn’t bear to terminate the pregnancy and desperately searched for a solution that would allow her to combine her responsibilities with her wishes. For the first time since he’d heard of her pregnancy, he allowed himself to feel hope that he might one day see his child, and be a father to it. Even if that time was years from now. It made him determined to reach that future, to do anything he could to make it happen, and to be worthy of it. His head filled with images of that possible future, trying to picture what his child would look like, he touched the akoonah and started to chant.

* * *

When he next opened his eyes, Chakotay wasn’t met by visions of his child or the future, but by a vision from his past. He found himself on an old trail, near the top of a cliff that overlooked the valley of his childhood village. Looking around at the familiar but long-vanished scenery, he climbed the last few meters to the top. There, he was met by his father, Kolopak. Seeing his father, as strong and healthy as the last time he’d laid eyes on him in real life, was a rare and precious experience to Chakotay, especially with the possibility of becoming a father himself before him. He greeted his father with respect and joy. But as they embraced tightly, a new seed of fear sprouted in his heart. What about his father, the rest of his family, the Voyager crew? Would they embrace this child as he had? Would they welcome it into their family, as he wished to? He drew back, taking in a deep breath as he prepared to explain himself and his actions to his father.


	7. Chapter 7

An undefinable amount of time later, Chakotay woke up from his quest, his heart at peace. He was still basking in the joy of seeing his father and hearing him accept his child as part of their family, when the door chime sounded again. The sound must have awoken him from his vision quest, Chakotay realised. Getting up from the floor and folding his medicine bundle closed, he called for entrance. The door opened to reveal B’Elanna. She strode in the moment the door opened, a frown adding additional ridges to her forehead.

‘Okay, Chakotay, you’d better tell me what’s going on!’ she started hotly, stepping directly into his personal space, directly under his nose, and poked him in the chest. ‘When did you and Janeway start sleeping together?’

Chakotay, still in a euphoric mood from the spirit quest, chose to take her comment in stride and joked easily. ‘I didn’t know you were my mother, Torres. I’m sorry, in the future I’ll report all my sexual encounters to you.’

It was not the right thing to say. Instead of making her take a step back, think about her words and calm down, his joke only seemed to infuriate B’Elanna further. ‘I’m not interested in knowing the names of your flings, Chakotay!’ she ground out venomously, her lip curled up in a snarl. ‘But I know you, or at least I thought I did! And the man I know wouldn’t just get anyone pregnant!’ She shouted. But just like that, B’Elanna’s tirade ended. ‘I know family is important to you, Chakotay,’ she continued in a calmer, more reasonable tone of voice. However, her calm quickly gave way to hurt. ‘I thought I was family to you. I thought you’d tell me about something like this.’ The last sentences were said in a soft, almost inaudible voice.

Chakotay recognized her earlier angry outburst as B’Elanna’s way to cope with stress and difficult emotions. Realising the pain that lay behind it, Chakotay shrugged off his flippancy and became serious. ‘You are my family, B’Elanna.’ He vowed, looking her straight in the eye to show his sincerity, even though B’Elanna was trying to avoid his gaze, embarrassed at having shown weakness. ‘I’m not having a relationship with the Captain. Or sleeping with her.’ At this statement, B’Elanna gave him a rueful look which seemed to question his knowledge of biology. Chakotay was glad to see some of her normal spunk returning and chuckled at her disbelieving look. ‘Yes, B’Elanna, I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not quite that simple…’ At that, Chakotay told her the whole story.

‘That petaQ!’ B’Elanna ground out when he’d barely finished talking. Her earlier ire had returned, though this time luckily not directed at him. She paced the room once, looking very much like she wanted to throw something or punch a certain someone. After a minute, she rounded on Chakotay. ‘How can you be so calm about this? She stole your DNA! If I get my hands on Seska…!’ her expression said it all, and she demonstrated quite eloquent motions, promising Seska an assortment of violent, painful deaths. Chakotay gripped her shoulders to calm her down and help her meet his eyes.

‘I am angry.’ He stated, in a tone that was still not heated enough for B’Elanna’s liking. ‘At Seska, not at the Captain or the child.’ B’Elanna deflated somewhat, beginning to see where he was going. ‘Seska did this. _She_ stole my DNA, used it without my permission, created a child without my consent!’ His voice grew low and dark, in a way that B’Elanna had come to associate with deep anger in Chakotay. He could be most dangerous when he was most quiet. ‘But this is no longer about her.’ Chakotay continued, his voice returning to normal, though the heightened intensity was still clearly audible. His grip on her shoulders let up as he realised he was holding on tight enough to hurt her. ‘It’s about my child, and the Captain. And both of them are blameless in this. In fact, I can’t help but be thankful that it was the Captain, not Seska, who got injected. I don’t know what I’d do if Seska had used it on herself and gotten pregnant with my child.’ Chakotay tensed up again at the thought and B’Elanna shared his revulsion. She didn’t let him dwell on the thought though, her curiosity quickly getting the better of her.

‘What about Janeway?’ she asked. ‘This whole stasis-thing is her idea, right?’ she waited a moment to give him a change to contradict her. He nodded instead. ‘How do you feel about that?’ Her tone was speculative, with a tint of hostility that she couldn’t quite keep down.

Chakotay answered her with a tired look. ‘Honestly, B’Elanna, I feel grateful.’ B’Elanna looked doubtful, so he continued. ‘She didn’t choose this any more than I did. I’m well aware that she could just as easily have terminated the pregnancy without a second thought. Protocol and the ship aside, think about it, B’Elanna. What would you do if you were suddenly pregnant, through no means of your own? I’m grateful that she’s even considering keeping the child.’ B’Elanna’s face had distorted at the thought. No way was she ready to raise a child! Even if that child was Chakotay’s… she pushed the thought firmly away, unwilling to consider the possibility. When her face had returned to a more neutral expression and B’Elanna seemed no longer lost in thought, Chakotay continued, his voice and stance having lost most of its intensity, leaving merely sincerity.

‘Actually, I admire how the Captain has been handling this. It’s a very difficult situation, but she’s trying to find the best solution for everyone. The crew is heavily on her mind and I’m grateful that she lets me share in her thoughts and voice my opinion.’

‘And what do you want, Chakotay?’ B’Elanna asked softly, acting once again as his caring friend, all hints of anger or insecurity abandoned for the moment.

Chakotay shrugged helplessly. ‘I’m not sure. I’ve already come to care for this child, consider it my own. I’d be heartbroken if something happened to it. On the other hand, I can’t disagree with any of the Captain’s decisions. She’s right, this isn’t just about the child, it’s about everyone on this ship. If she feels she can’t be a Captain and a mother at the same time, I have to respect that.’ He suddenly looked so forlorn that B’Elanna couldn’t help but squeeze his arm and try and cheer him up.

‘I’d threaten her with my bat’leth for you, but that probably won’t help.’ Her efforts were rewarded with a rueful grin.

‘I’m afraid not. But if we ever find Seska, I won’t stand in your way.’ The two shared a dark look, united in their hate, envisioning their revenge if they ever caught up with the Cardassian spy. Then Chakotay sighed and broke the mood. ‘Please, B’Elanna, help the Captain with the stasis pods. If it keeps the child safe until it can be born, that’s good enough for me.’

B’Elanna smiled compassionately. ‘I’ll do my best.’ With a last comforting squeeze of his arm, she took her leave. Now that she knew Chakotay’s wishes on the matter, she wanted to dive into the proposed solution as soon as possible.


	8. Chapter 8

Chakotay didn’t see much of either B’Elanna or the Captain over the next few days. Both of them were holed up in sickbay at all hours of the day with the Doctor, working on their plans for a stasis unit. Chakotay tried to contribute by manning the bridge and headed off any problem that could potentially require the Captain’s attention. Luckily, there didn’t appear to be any spatial phenomena or alien species in the area who could cause complications.

Early on the first day, before his duty shift, he’d stopped by the messhall to look for Neelix. The chef and self-appointed morale officer was quick to volunteer when Chakotay mentioned that the Captain and B’Elanna might want their meals brought to sickbay, knowing both of their tendencies to get absorbed in work and forget to eat. At the last moment, he also replicated a large carafe of coffee, decaffeinated, to add to Neelix’s tray. Knowing the Captain’s addiction to the stuff, he hoped she could stomach decaf for the foreseeable future. And that she wouldn’t bite his or Neelix’ head off for the thought. Then again, he mused, it could hardly be much worse than Neelix’s better-than-coffee substitutes. He hadn’t had a chance to ask her in person. The only communication they’d shared in the last few days had been text messages. Each night when he left the bridge, he send her a short message to give her an update on ship’s status and to let her know everything was under control. He knew that she was working incredible hours by the timestamps on her responses, which were send at all hours of the night. Usually, when he woke up in the morning, there was a new message on his receiver, send at some ungodly hour as he was sleeping The messages kept him informed of the progress she, B’Elanna and the Doctor were making. So far, the project seemed promising. This morning’s message had sounded surprisingly optimistic for one send at 4.53 in the morning. Today, Chakotay resolved, he would drag her out of Sickbay himself if he had to, to make sure she quit at a decent hour for once. Having made up his mind, he changed directions so he could walk by the messhall again that morning to cancel Neelix’s delivery of dinner. Today, he would provide it himself.

* * *

Kathryn kicked off her shoes and ran a hand across her tired face. It was the first time in - what now, a week? – that she was back at her quarters before the end of alpha shift. Worse, before the beginning of gamma shift! She chuckled as she was forced to admit to herself that the Doctor did have a point when he ordered her and B’Elanna out of sickbay or be sedated and spending the rest of the day on a cot in sickbay. Checking the time and the duty roster, she realised that Chakotay was almost scheduled to go off-duty. She hit her comm. badge.

‘Janeway to Chakotay.’

‘Chakotay here, Captain.’ His voice was neutral, with only a hint of a friendly smile, and she imagined him sitting on the bridge, activity all around him. It was only then that she started to realise how long it had been since she was even on the bridge.

‘I just wondered if you could stop by my quarters when you come off duty. I’d appreciate a update on the last few days.’ She said.

‘Of course, I’ll be there in about twenty minutes.’ His voice responded over the comm. line.

‘See you then, Commander. Janeway out.’

* * *

It was twenty minutes later, on the dot, that Kathryn’s chime rang. She called for Chakotay to come in while she got them both drinks from the replicator. Tea for him, decaf coffee for her, as much as it pained her to put in the order. How she loathed the stuff! In the past few days she’s began to build up a tolerance for it, but it was still not nearly as good as the real stuff. As far as she was concerned, it was only marginally better than one of Neelix’s substitutes. Even so, she accepted the logic behind it and she appreciated Chakotay’s gesture. Even though Neelix refused to name his sources, she knew he was behind the daily food and coffee deliveries.

Seeing that Chakotay himself was still respectfully waiting just beyond her door’s sensors, she waved him over to the sofa. He sat down at the side nearest to the door and she claimed the other side once she’s deposited their drinks on the coffee table. The scene reminded her of that conversation in his quarters, almost two weeks ago now. How much difference a week or two could make! She’d probably never admit this to anyone out loud, but back then she was extremely jittery and terrified of his reaction. Now, his presence made her feel secure, knowing that they were on the same page. His support was a powerful thing to have. Looking at him now, she saw a small smirk on his face, which made her wonder what he was thinking. She asked him as she leaned over to pick up her coffee. His smile widened and he momentarily looked down before meeting her eyes with playful ones of his own.

‘I was just thinking that you beat me to it.’ Her eyebrow shot up at his words and he continued his explanation. ‘I was planning on stopping by sickbay today to invite you over for dinner. To tell you the truth, I was thinking of dragging you out if I thought you were working too long.’ The outrageousness of his statement coupled with his naughty little boy smirk was too much; she threw her head back and laughed a deep throaty chuckle. When she looked back at him, she saw that his smile had grown and his eyes were twinkling at her reaction. She couldn’t help but tease back a little.

‘And what would you have done if I resisted?’ she drawled, ‘thrown me over your shoulder and carried me out?’ At her words, his dimples came out and she unconsciously sucked in her breath. The man looked downright delicious.

‘Whatever it takes!’ he quipped. Would their child have his dimples, she couldn’t help but wonder. The stray thought was enough to get her mind back on track.

‘Anyway, what have you been doing with my ship these past few days?’ She asked, unable to keep a small teasing note out of her voice. ‘I notice she’s still in one piece.’

He shot her a mock-hurt look that almost made her choke on her coffee. Luckily, he didn’t seem to have noticed.

After listening to his warm voice for a few minutes as he filled her in on the daily running of the ship, most of which she’d already read in his daily messages, she took a deep breath trying to prepare herself to discuss her own work the past few days. And after that, they had some important decisions to make.


	9. Chapter 9

‘Our work is going well.’ She was happy to confirm. ‘The stasis chamber seems to be a viable option. We’ve finished the modifications needed to turn it into an artificial womb. The Doctor believes that should suffice to keep our child safe for the foreseeable future. Our greatest challenge now is the power supply. B’Elanna thinks we should be able to build a small generator, completely separate from Voyager’s power grid, using some of the coils we got from the Malari. We’ll begin working on it tomorrow. With a bit of luck we should be done in a week, two at most.’ Having finished updating Chakotay on the status of her project, Janeway took a moment to steel herself for what she would say next. Her jaw clenched and Chakotay could see her whole body tense up, as if she were preparing herself for a war, not a conversation. In response, he made sure to keep his posture open and consciously fought his body’s response to follow her example and stiffen. He knew how hard this situation was on her and was determined not to contribute to her difficulties. He silently promised her that he would try everything in his power to support her, as he’d tried to do since this whole situation started. Kathryn took a deep breath. ‘I think it’s time that we start planning what we’re going to do if this does work.’ Chakotay gave her a small nod, but didn’t interrupt, allowing her to choose which question to debate first. ‘When will we take the child out of stasis?’ She asked. ‘Who gets to make that decision?’

Chakotay smiled at her gently, hoping to help her relax just a bit. ‘I think that if you considered that decision yours to make, and yours only, you wouldn’t be asking me for my opinion,’ he teased her gently. At his words she cracked a relieved smile, the tension flowing from her body, until she was chuckling softly.

‘I guess you’ve got me there.’ She agreed, some of the earlier humour returning to her face and voice. ‘I think allowing our child to be born should be our decision, together. Nothing happens unless we both agree.’

‘I agree.’ Chakotay responded simply.

Kathryn leaned back, relaxing against the back of the sofa. ‘Well that was easy! I hope we’ll agree on everything that quickly.’ Chakotay gave a small head-shrug and a grin, but said nothing. Kathryn sat back up, shifting closer to him as she brought up the next point of discussion. ‘What if one of us dies? What happens to the child then?’

Chakotay thought for a moment. ‘I hope I’ll get a chance to be a father to this child, but if I don’t… You have my consent to raise it when and how you see fit.’ Kathryn started to tear up at his easy acquiescence, the release of the tension she’d worked up in anticipation of this conversation as well as her lack of sleep making her suddenly emotional. She took a moment to swallow the tears away before responding.

‘Thank you. The same goes for me. If I’m no longer around, I have every confidence you’ll raise this child well.’ They smiled at each other warmly, both thankful for the other’s easy acceptance and cooperation. Then Kathryn continued. ‘However, if you’re home when the decision comes up, and she’s still alive, I hope you’ll involve my mother. I won’t make it a strict requirement, but I would appreciate it.’

‘Of course,’ Chakotay accepted easily. ‘I’m afraid I don’t have any family to consult, I’m basically it.’ He said with a hint of sadness. Kathryn placed a comforting hand on his arm and he flashed her a smile in thanks. Then continued. ‘What if we’re both dead?’

Kathryn considered his question for a moment. ‘I like to think that some part of us will live on. I think we should appoint a guardian or two to decide what happens to the child in case we’re dead when they make it home. Godparents, if you will.’

‘What if we never make it home?’ Chakotay asked the question that he suspected she would find the hardest to deal with. ‘I know that you think that when we get home we’ll have the chance to have this child, but what if that’s really seventy years from now? At what point do we decide not to wait for the Alpha Quadrant and have this child right here, on Voyager?’ Kathryn looked away, shaking her head softly. She thought deeply for a long moment and when her gaze came back he could see the conflict in her eyes.

‘I don’t have an answer for that, not now. Perhaps at some point I’ll have to accept that we’re going to spend the rest of our lives on Voyager, but not yet. I will get our people home.’ Her eyes were begging him to accept that answer, to let it go. He took her hand in his, sandwiched it between his two larger ones.

‘I have faith in you, Kathryn.’ He vowed. ‘I believe that you will get us home. But it will most likely take us years. I don’t want to sacrifice this opportunity for a future that may never happen. Nor do I want to gamble this child’s life on it.’ Kathryn pressed her lips tightly together, a lone tear rolling down her cheek and another barely holding on to her eyelashes.

‘I understand,’ she ground out with difficulty, emotion filling up her throat.

Seeing the disappointment in her eyes, he knew that no matter what he said, she took his words as a lack of faith, in her. Almost as a betrayal. He gripped her hand a little tighter and used it to pull her closer. He needed to make her understand.

‘I have every faith in you as a Captain. In fact, I think you’re the best officer I’ve ever known,’ he stated, his voice intense. ‘Kathryn!’ he exclaimed when her eyes drifted away from his, forcing her attention to snap back to him. ‘Listen to me.’ He was almost tempted to shake her, anything to really make her believe in his words. Then, desperately, he spoke the words he’d never even thought before, but they were the truest ones he had. ‘There’s no one, in the delta or alpha quadrant, who would make a better mother than you.’ That definitely got her attention. Her eyes widened in shock and for a moment he feared that he might have gone too far, shared too much.

Then she whispered, so softly he had to strain to hear her, ‘I think you’ll be a wonderful father, too.’ His eyes lost their anxious intensity and softened. His grip on her hands, still in his grasp, became less tense, more comfortable. She grinned tentatively, her eyes still watery.

‘Let’s hope we get to find out.’ He responded, his voice smooth and his face open. Her smile widened until she was beaming through her tears, making her look years younger and absolutely breath-taking. Seeing her like this, radiant, Chakotay’s thoughts ground to a halt and for a moment all he could do was look at her, study the angles of her face. Then, taking a deep, shuddering breath, he vowed to himself that he would stay by her side and do whatever he could to make her burden lighter. And maybe, one day, they could explore not only having a child together, but being a family.

To distract himself from the image stuck in his head, he broached the topic of dinner and offered to cook for her, as he’d planned to do. It didn’t take much effort to convince her. The thought of a home-cooked meal which wasn’t prepared by Neelix was too tempting. Soon, they were seated around her table, enjoying a truly delicious dinner. Both of them were careful to keep the conversation light and not rehash the emotional topics from earlier. The only reference Kathryn made to the stasis project was to mention her intention to inform the rest of the senior staff at the briefing the next morning. She gave no reasons for her sudden decision, simply stating is as fact. Chakotay, who thought the topic was slightly overdue, didn’t object or question her timing. He simply agreed and changed the subject, glad that she felt comfortable enough with the situation and her own feelings about it to share it with the rest of the senior staff.


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning, the rest of the senior staff was already in the briefing room when the Captain entered it, only seconds before the meeting was to start. She’d gotten up early that morning, so she could work on the stasis pod for an hour or two before the briefing. But, immersed in the project, she’d lost track of time and ended up having to hurry not to be late. As she made her way to her chair at the head of the table, with slightly longer and swifter steps than usual, the chatter in the room died down. By the time she took her seat, she had everyone’s attention. She shot them a quick smile in acknowledgement, reminded once again that they were a fine crew. They had come a long way since the beginning of their journey. Looking around the room, her eyes landed on Ensign Kim, who was seated comfortably next to Tuvok, secure in his place among the senior staff. She hated to disappoint him, or any of them, as she feared her story would. But she had to tell them, so as she always advised, straight and to the point was best.

‘Good morning everyone,’ she said, to open the meeting. Despite her stern words to herself, she couldn’t resist a quick glance at Chakotay, who smiled at her encouragingly. ‘I’m sure you’ve all noticed my recent absence from the bridge.’ Her opening words alone caused Tuvok to frown. A few others nodded at her words. _Where was a red alert when you needed it?_ she thought with slight desperation. But Kathryn Janeway had never backed down from anything in her life, and she sure as hell wouldn’t start now. _Brace for impact!_

‘Our rescue mission of Commander Chakotay from the Kazon a few weeks ago caused an unforeseen complication, which I’ve been addressing.’ She continued, her voice deceptively smooth. ‘As you probably know, during our rescue we ran into Seska. She managed to inject me with an unknown substance, which we originally suspected to be poison. However, it turned out to be a serum containing genetic material she had stolen from Commander Chakotay.’

‘Actually,’ the Doctor interrupted her. Everyone swerved to face the emergency channel on display at the console at the back of the room. ‘As well as the Commander’s genetic material, the serum Seska used also contained a sophisticated fertility booster, I suspect originally designed to overcome the difficulties usually faced by Cardassian females in conception by a human male. In a human woman, however,-’ Janeway held up a hand to stem any further words from the Doctor, though the force of her glare alone probably would have sufficed. The Doctor shut up immediately, a chastened look momentarily flitting over his features. However, that look was quickly replaced by an indignant frown and hum. Hoping that he wasn’t planning any further interruption, Kathryn lowered her hand, using it to pinch the bridge of her nose. Two minutes in and the meeting was already escalating into mayhem! She sighed before uncovering her eyes.

‘As the Doctor’s words suggest,’ she continued, shooting the hologram another dark look and making a mental note to lecture him on doctor-patient confidentiality at her earliest convenience. ‘We suspect Seska was planning on impregnating herself. However, during the struggle, she injected me instead, and I became pregnant as a result.’ Now that the hard words were out, Kathryn relaxed slightly. No longer focussed on what she was saying, she looked around to judge the expression of the others. Silence reigned and her gaze was met by astonished faces. Only Chakotay, Torres and the Doctor, for obvious reasons, met her gaze evenly. Tom’s mouth was literally hanging open, in a rather comical way. If it were any other day, she might have laughed and teased him about it. Kes shot her sympathetic glances while Tuvok seemed to be avoiding her eyes, frowning deeply. Harry was spluttering angrily, upset on her behalf.

‘I don’t need to explain to you how me raising a child right now is impossible,’ she said, trying to add a hint of levity to her tone, so she wouldn’t let on how difficult the decision had been for her, ‘but I don’t wish to terminate this pregnancy either. So, as an alternative, Lieutenant Torres, the Doctor and myself have been working on a stasis pod that would be suitable for an embryo. We expect it to be ready within the next week or two. Until then, it is my firm belief that Commander Chakotay and Lieutenant Tuvok will do a fine job in running this ship.’ She clapped Chakotay, who was sitting next to her, on the shoulder and smiled at Tuvok to show her trust in her two most senior officers. ‘In the meantime, I hope you can contain some of the gossip that is going around. I would prefer it if this did not become general knowledge. However, do assure whoever expresses doubts that I am in perfect health, not on my deathbed.’ The room, mostly Harry and Tom, chuckled a bit nervously at this reference to one of the more outrageous rumours. But the wisecrack she half expected from her pilot never came. Now that she had said all she’d planned to say, and no one seemed eager to comment, the uncomfortable glances began to get on her nerves, so she quickly dismissed them all. She watched as they eagerly filed out of the room, forcing herself to keep a smile on her face. As the first ones left, she turned away from the table, looking out the viewport instead. As the shuffling subsided, she felt Chakotay’s comforting presence behind her and met his eyes in the viewport. He said nothing, simply stood there, letting her draw strength from his presence. Then, with a gentle squeeze of her shoulder, he was gone, following the rest of the senior staff to the Bridge. Kathryn took another moment to compose herself and then followed him out.

* * *

A few hours later, Kathryn was working quietly in her Ready Room. After this morning’s briefing, she’d tried to work on the Bridge, but sitting there in her Command Chair, in view of everyone, had made her feel like she was on display. As if her feelings, her vulnerabilities were laid bare for all the see. The thought made her fidgety and unproductive. However, even in her Ready Room her thoughts were unfocussed. She’d already exchanged her bureau for the couch beneath the viewport and now spend as much time gazing out at the stars, lost in thought, as with her eyes on a padd. She’d planned to go through a few of the weekly reports she’d missed in the past few days before going back to work on the pod, but at this rate she’d be here all day. She was about to chuck Harry’s weekly ops report on the pile with the rest of them when her door chime sounded. Dropping the padd on the coffee table, she sighed and ran her hand over her face, trying to focus, before calling for entrance.

She was surprised to see Tuvok come in. She’s already seen his weekly report, now probably lying somewhere in the mess on her coffee table. And he wasn’t carrying a padd. He stopped in the middle of the room, in front of the elevated section that also held her couch. Having Tuvok tower over her like this made her uncomfortable and she knew from experience that he would reject her offer to sit down, so she stood up herself and moved a few steps closer to him.

‘What is it, Tuvok?’ Her own forehead creased as she noticed the deep frown still etched into his brow. He looked more troubled than she could ever remember seeing him.

‘I wish to apologize for failing in my duties, Captain.’ The Vulcan said gravely. Janeway instinctively stepped closer to him. Because she was still standing on the upper section, while Tuvok was stood before it, the difference in height allowed her to put her hand on his upper arm in an unconscious gesture of support. Tuvok, though usually uncomfortable with such physical displays of affection made no move to shrug her off.

‘What do you mean, Tuvok?’

‘Aboard the Kazon vessel, I failed to keep you safe. I should have been more aware of possible hostile forces. As a result of my negligence, you were put in a difficult and possibly dangerous situation. I apologize for failing in my duties as Chief of Security and assure you that I will review my actions thoroughly, so I can improve my actions in the future.’ This expression of guilt from her oldest friend created a similar feeling in Kathryn. She felt remorse herself for not informing Tuvok before now, only telling him this morning, along with the rest of the senior staff, weeks after the initial incident. And even then, she’d been so absorbed in her own troubles that she’d failed to anticipate how he would take the news. She’d failed to realize that he’d see it as his own failure. Her grip on his arm tightened a little and she stepped even closer to him.

‘It’s not your fault, Tuvok,’ she tried to assure him, though she knew that her words wouldn’t be enough. And indeed, he raised a sarcastic brow.

‘Then whose fault is it, Captain?’ He asked. He still wasn’t looking at her, gazing, steadily, at some point over her shoulder.

‘Seska,’ Kathryn answered determinedly, hoping to convince him. ‘She’s the one who injected me, not you.’

Tuvok, in his damn level tones, didn’t hesitate in his response. ‘Seska is not your Chief of Security. Ensuring your safety is not her responsibility. It is mine.’ Forced against his intractable logic, Janeway sighed, and dropped her head momentarily in defeat. A moment elapsed before she tried again.

‘Either way, I’m perfectly fine. No harm done.’

If anything, Tuvok’s frown deepened. ‘I beg to differ, Captain. The fact that you found a solution for the problem, does not mean it never existed. If the hypospray had been filled with poison, as we originally suspected, the consequences could have been lethal.’

‘But they weren’t!’ Kathryn exclaimed. She could feel her frustration rising and consciously tried to stop the racing of her heart. She knew emotion would never convince Tuvok, only logic. When she continued, her voice was again calm. ‘It’s just a child, Tuvok, nothing lethal. And surely this is better than if Seska had impregnated herself. We can’t let a human child fall into the hands of a Cardassian spy and the Kazon.’

‘Preferable though it might be, it was still the result of a lapse in judgement on my part.’ Kathryn huffed. This was like an endless game of kal-toh that she had no hope in winning.

‘I don’t know what more to say, Tuvok, except that I don’t blame you for what happened.’ She finally said, after a long moment of searching for more arguments. ‘My trust in you has not diminished in the last month. I still trust you with my life, and the lives of this crew.’

Tuvok hesitated, uncomfortable. ‘You trust is… appreciated.’ Kathryn snorted at his response.

‘Even though you think you don’t deserve it.’ She continued, knowingly. Then she released his upper arm, which she realized she’d been clutching rather tightly, and patting it once before drawing herself up in her command stance. ‘Stop beating yourself up about this Tuvok, that’s an order.’

Tuvok, unconvinced, nodded and left. Kathryn collapsed on the couch, exhausted. After a few moments, she decided _to hell with the padds!_ and left the whole mess behind to return to Sickbay and continue her work on the stasis pod. The sooner this was all over, the better.


	11. Chapter 11

The next few days were fretful ones for the Command Team. Chakotay probably had the worst end of the stick. He was stuck on the Bridge taking care of the usual minutiae associated with the running of a starship, unable to contribute to the stasis project directly. But his kind and patient disposition made the anxiety easier to bear.

Kathryn on the other hand, never the patient sort, was feeling increasing pressure to finish the project. Now, almost at the end of her first month, she was already beginning to experience the first pregnancy symptoms. Her appetite, which she was quick to overlook even on a good day, was now almost non-existent due to an almost constant queasiness. Only the persistent prodding she received from the Doctor, Neelix and Chakotay prevented her from skipping her meals altogether. Worst of all, she’d completely gone off coffee, even the decaf sludge she’d been drinking up till now. Just a small whiff of her favourite beverage was enough to make her stomach turn over. Consequently, she’d been reduced to drinking tea.

On the upside, the weird glances and uncomfortable reactions she’d expected from the senior staff never came. Aside from Tuvok’s guilt, which still plagued her, their reactions had been nothing but supportive. Lieutenant Torres, for one, was showing dedication that amazed and humbled her. Like herself, the Chief Engineer spent every waking hour working on the pod prototype and was as quick to forget to eat or sleep as she was. More than once, the Doctor, Chakotay and Harry Kim had ganged up on them both, and dragged them off for some much-needed nourishment or relaxation. The Doctor, unhindered by a need for food or rest, worked even longer hours. If she’d had to guess, Kathryn would have said that he probably hadn’t deactivated himself since before this whole mess started. And Harry Kim, who in his naiveté she’d expected to censure her most, was proving a valued addition to their team. The evening after the briefing, he’d come to Sickbay, asking to be allowed to contribute. In the next few days, the young Ensign had been awkward and tense around her, but not, she’d come to realize, because she’d dropped in his estimation. On the contrary, he seemed particularly solicitous of her needs. Almost, she thought, like he would be to a mother or sister who were, to use Paris’ description, ‘in the family way’. She did, however, detect some lingering darkness hidden behind his caring exterior. She suspected that, like Tuvok, he felt somehow personally responsible or injured by what had happened. His awkward attentiveness aside, Harry had proven himself a most able member of their team. With his help and that of the Doctor and Lieutenant Torres, the project had progressed swiftly. Even sooner than she’d dared hope, the special stasis chamber was ready. The last few simulations and tests on which the Doctor insisted went smoothly, and before Kathryn knew it, her procedure was scheduled for the next morning.

* * *

That night, Kathryn was restless. She’d taken a bunch of padds to her quarters, hoping to get a head start on the reports that had been piling up on her desk. Chakotay, in another of his thoughtful moments, had compiled all the reports she’d missed from the past few weeks into a single overview, leaving out anything repetitive or redundant. His work reduced the mountain of reports she’d feared considerably. Even so, Kathryn found it difficult to focus. Her mind refused to stay confined, instead jumping from thought to thought. In a way, she was both looking forward to and dreading tomorrow. Though her pregnancy had caused her a difficult dilemma and she’d be glad to enjoy coffee again, it also felt good to look towards the future for once. Beyond Voyager, beyond their trip. To consider new life. And though she regretted the negative effect it had had on Tuvok, she was confident that he would find a way to deal with his discomfort soon enough. Her bond with other members of the crew, notably Harry Kim, Lieutenant Torres and especially Chakotay, had grown deeper through the experience. Seska’s actions had brought decidedly mixed blessings.

Realizing that her mind had once again strayed from the pages of the report, Kathryn threw in the towel. Perhaps a bath would soothe her, and allow her to sleep. With a relieved sigh, she clicked off the padd and got up to turn on the hot water. Shedding her uniform jacket on the way from the bathroom to her bedroom, she wondered how long it’d been since she indulged in a hot soak. Certainly not in the past few weeks. Taking off the rest of her uniform and draping it over a chair, she realised this was the first time in too long that she’d taking it off for anything other than sleep. When was the last time she’d worn civilian clothing? She really needed to make more of an effort to be Kathryn, before she turned into the Captain fulltime. After this was over, she’d book a few hours on the holodeck and start a new holonovel.

Kathryn turned off the water and stepped in, feeling the warmth of the bath soothe her aching muscles as well as her anxious mind. Sighing deeply, she let herself relax into the warm tub, closing her eyes and letting her head fall back against the side.

Half a minute later, her eyes opened again. This was the first time in weeks that she’d been nude for longer than it took to change outfits. Remembering her change in appetite, she couldn’t help but wonder _how much had her body changed? _Was her body already showing signs of the pregnancy? She couldn’t see anything under the bubbles and stepping out felt cold in more ways than one. So slowly, half afraid of what she’d find, she let her hands roam down her body. Her breasts felt the same, as did her stomach. Or did it? Was it firmer, perhaps, than it had been a month ago? She couldn’t tell. Curious now, she moved out of the water, wrapping herself in a warm bathrobe, and went to get the medical tricorder she kept in her bedroom. Inexplicably anxious, she held her breath as she ran the scanner over her body. Seeing the readings roll down the screen, she gasped. There it was. Elevated levels of oestrogen and progesterone, relaxing of the muscles around her uterus to accommodate the foetus. Undeniable proof of her pregnancy. There really was a child growing inside her. Despite her earlier anxieties, her discussions with Chakotay and the Doctor and her recent work on the stasis pod, she’d never felt the reality of it as much as she did now. She was pregnant! Until tomorrow. Then another reading flashed across the screen. The tricorder fell out of her hand, skipping softly on the carpeted floor, as her hand flew to her mouth.

In seconds, she was across the room, the tricorder forgotten. Uncaring of her appearance, her state of undress, the wet tendrils of hair that were clinging to her neck, she walked out of her quarters. Soon enough, she was at Chakotay’s quarters, ringing the chime. The doors opened, and the friendly smile on Chakotay’s face changed to mild shock as he saw who was at his door. ‘Captain!’ he exclaimed, surprised at her appearance. He had no time to question her attire or to process the fact that she was standing in front of his door in a cream coloured terrycloth robe, before she pushed inside, dragging his unresisting form along with her. The doors closed behind her. As soon as she heard their swish, indicating that they were alone, she turned around, both her hands on his arms to still his movements and get his attention. Her face, he noticed, was aglow. Her eyes, in some strange way, both present and unfocussed.

‘Chakotay,’ she breathed, ecstatic, ‘It’s a girl.’


	12. Chapter 12

For a minute she was mesmerized by the play of emotions on his face. As her words slowly penetrated his senses, wonder filled Chakotay’s eyes. She could practically hear his thoughts. _A girl! A daughter! _It was incredible to see. He was clearly at a loss for words, unable to articulate the thoughts running through his mind. For a moment, Kathryn’s elation soared along with his. Until sudden disappointment brought her joy to a crushing halt. His bliss suddenly tasted like ashes in her mouth, as she realised that tomorrow, she’d be taking it away from him. As the smile fell off her face, Chakotay suddenly took her in a bone-crushing hug. ‘A girl!’ he whispered in her ear, his voice hoarse with emotion, ‘a little girl, Kathryn!’ His arms burned around her as she fought to keep her tears at bay. How could she take this away from him? It took a few moments, but then Chakotay became aware of the change in her emotions. Her body had frozen in his arms. Worried, he released her, pulling away from her slowly. Her face, streaked with tears that she was trying and failing to keep at bay, tugged at his heartstrings. Taking her head in his hands, he gently wiped the moisture off her face.

‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered.

His gentle eyes gazed into her determinedly. ‘For what?’

‘For taking her away. Denying you your child.’

‘You’re not.’ Chakotay assured her tenderly. ‘You’re giving me a child. Maybe not tomorrow, but someday. That’s the greatest gift I could ever wish for.’

Kathryn wanted to believe him. Searching his eyes, she found only sincerity and a deep, gentle caring. The tears slowed, and she smiled tentatively. ‘Some day.’ She whispered.

Chakotay smiled too. ‘Some day,’ he confirmed, stroking his thumb gently down her cheek.

* * *

Bright and early the next morning, the Command team reported to sickbay, together. To the Doctor’s eyes, they were both calm and professional. In his ignorance of human emotions he mistook their lack of words for a lack of communication. He did not see how open they were with their feelings, how frequently they exchanged an unguarded glance or a comforting touch.

Following the Doctor’s instructions, Kathryn lay down on the biobed. Chakotay, though staying out of the Doctor’s way, held her hand gently in his own. She felt the hiss of a hypospray against her neck and then, with one last glance at Chakotay, the world faded away.

* * *

When she woke less than an hour later, her body showed no signs that it had ever been pregnant. She knew that if she scanned herself now, the elevated levels of pregnancy hormones would have vanished. Her uterine muscles would be back to their normal condition with not even a slight tingling to indicate where they had slackened to accommodate a child. It was as if it had never been there. Chakotay, though, was still there, standing silently by the side of her bed, and she took comfort from his solid presence.

The Doctor came into view, putting away a few last pieces of medical equipment. He told her that the procedure had gone according to plan and the foetus was safely in stasis. He asked her if she wanted to see the child, but she declined, afraid of her own reaction. Luckily, he just needlessly prattled on about the procedure and his own brilliance, though neither of them heard a word of it. She sat up, wordlessly accepting Chakotay’s silent assistance. The Doctor came to a natural pause in his monologue and Kathryn seized the opportunity to thank him for his efforts and politely excused them both. Side by side, they left sickbay behind.

* * *

He walked her to her quarters in silence. Her silence, together with the sadness he saw when she occasionally met his eyes, told him that she wanted to be alone. Kathryn Janeway was not a woman to grieve in public and she’d already shown him more than he’d expected. He understood her need, he too wanted to some quiet moments to simply feel his loss. So, when they reached her door, he wasn’t surprised when she didn’t invite him inside and he left after a quick goodbye.

* * *

Back in his quarters, Chakotay immediately went to the trunk where he kept his medicine bundle. Taking it out, he unfolded the fabric, revealing his akoonah and the few items that represented his life and heart, his very soul. Unzipping his uniform jacket, he took out a small holo image. When he pushed the button a small image of his daughter appeared. Or at least what the Doctor predicted she’d look like just after birth. She was beautiful. He gently ran his finger over her holographic cheek and then, with a sigh of regret, deactivated the imager. He carefully placed it with the other items in his medicine bundle, refolded the skin around it and then tucked it away.

_ **To Be Continued ** _ **in _There is Always Hope_**


End file.
